Honesty

I was sitting here tonight reflecting on the year and all that God has shown me, taught me and brought me through. One thing that stands out is being honest about how I feel. I am the oldest child and a natural born people-pleaser. I can still remember getting a pair of red flippers to use in our pool in Arizona. When I unwrapped them I didn't really know what they were and really didn't like them. I was devastated at the thought that my parents would think that I was ungrateful. I imagined them picking them out and carefully wrapping them. I was four. I also used to kiss all of my stuffed animals and baby dolls before I left to go somewhere with my mom. I had to make sure they all felt love and I rotated placing them on the bed to make them feel each one was special. I started at a young age making sure everyone else was ok.
I have realized that over the years, I have not been truly honest about what I like, don't like or feel about a particular situation. A lot of times I stuff what I think or feel to the very bottom just so someone else is encouraged, comforted, reassured. This year, I have recognized this and feel so much freedom in allowing myself, to well, be myself. I think this goes hand in hand with my honesty with God. Being honest with God is kind of funny, because He already sees past my front and to the heart of the matter. It is so much easier to come to God honestly than with fluffy words about how I feel. In fact coming to God with fluff is exhausting over time. Since losing my job and being carried by the Lord in this adventure of writing full time I have had many ups and downs. Working from home is great, but it's a challenge. Some days I feel encouraged and enthusiastic and other days I could drink coffee all day in bed. I think this comes with the uncertainty of what lies ahead. That's the honest truth. But I am working on the path the Lord has carved out for me and nothing, nothing is more real to me.
Before, if I used to be a little down about something I acted like I was ok. I prayed like I was ok and I talked to others like I was ok. Sometimes if feels good to just say, "this sucks" or "I'm upset about this or that," and that is what I am learning. There is freedom is saying, "I am disappointed" or "my heart is broken over this." That is when we can allow God to step in and comfort us, teach us, be God to us. Honesty and brokenness has been a beautiful new beginning of my life this year.