Like a Fine Wine

Last Day at the Office

2009-04-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday, around 6 and my last full "free" day until I head to my new job on Monday. So it is fitting that I am sitting in Starbucks on East writing this. I used to come here every day for several months. It was more than a place to come and have a cup of coffee, I came here for sanity.

Six months ago I way laid off from my job in real estate and I never imagined I would be unemployed for that long. When I look back it has gone by fast but the day to day from month one through four was pure hell. Thank goodness I was writing. I spent every day from around 2pm on working on getting writing jobs or writing for the jobs I had. It saved me. Because quite honestly some days it was hard to get out of bed. In those first few months I felt a little lost, confused and on the edge of depression. Some days I felt like I wasn't on the edge but down in the deep end swimming around. Although there have been tears, I felt confident in Lord like I have never felt before. It was palpable for the first time.

Through it all, my time in prayer, crying out to the Lord for his hand to hold my heart combined with working out and spending time with friends got me through this unusual time in my life. It was a heart wrenching, horrible and beautiful time all at the same time. I met new friends, let go of others and spent a lot of time writing. During the 6 months I scored over 15 jobs writing, money which kept me afloat. And through it all I was still able to go out to eat, travel and have fun with friends. Somehow the money stretched.

I don't know how to adequately explain all that happened to me in the past 6 months...all that I have experienced and learned, but I wanted to recognize and mark it's end. I am so thankful for my new job and look forward to all that it brings. Maybe I'll write a book someday...:)

Confessions of a Product Whore: My Clean Little Secret

2009-02-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

At first the word whore seemed a little harsh and then a second glance in my bathroom cabinets and shower floor proved me wrong, junkie was hardly harsh enough, whore was just right.

I have always loved products. Lotions, creams, perfumes, face wash, make up, shampoos, pretty much anything that is sticky and/or creamy, smells good and promises to smooth, clear and clean my skin, hair, nails. One key ingredient...price. Did I also mention I take two showers a day? These two facts I am realizing go hand in hand.

The ironic thing is that although I like to read product labels (I'm weird) and peruse the aisles and magazine pages for new items, I'm becoming more loyal to certain brands. It's like I finally realized what works and what doesn't and have decided to stick with those (cough) few products. Well so I thought.

While showering this morning I took inventory of all of the things in the shower with me. Razors (2), loofah, Kiehls Amino Acid Shampoo, Pantene Shampoo and Conditioner, Herbal Essence Shampoo and Conditioner, Trader Joe's Tea Tree Shampoo, Dove bar soap, Johnson and Johnson's Baby Wash in Regular and Shea Butter and last but not least my favorite product line...Organix. I have the Pomegranate and Green Tea Shampoo, Coconut Milk Conditioner and the most recent addition to their family and mine, Mandarin Olive Oil Shampoo. With all of this in the shower, I wonder how I am able to clean myself, much less throw my leg up on the wall (standing shower) and shave my legs. It's a wonder I tell you.

The thing is that I know what all of these products do and I don't want to phase them out of the shower and out of my life. When my hair needs a little extra moisture, Pantene. When I feel like it needs a good clarifying treatment, Tea Tree Shampoo. When I want it to have extra life and lift, Kiehls. And like I said my go-to always makes my hair wonderful and smells delicious, Organix. So what is a girl to do? I am the go-to for my friends to ask about products and I am the girl who recently filled in an online poll on Allure to suggest the Best of the Best Products of 2008. I have a responsibility!! So with this I humbly say, "Hi my name is Brandee and I am a Product Whore."

Shake, Shake What Yo Mama Gave Yaaa

2009-02-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

I love Zumba. It's a class I take at the gym that combines salsa, hip hop and belly dancing into one fabulous hour of cardio/dance drama. I used to cheer and dance for 14 years, but nothing prepares you for being in the spotlight like a room full of woman shaking their stuff and another room full of men close by breaking their necks to see us break it down. The first time I carefully tried to follow the instructor, step for step, wiggle by wiggle. Now I know the routines and am able to throw it around a little more confidently. Then I brought my friend Faith into the equation...

Do you all have that one friend that always makes you laugh? That's Faith. She is from the heart of Georgia and is possibly the craziest, silliest girl I know. I love her for it. We met in college and have remained close friends. Just recently she and her husband moved to the QC so we are enjoying hanging out more. Last night she joined me for class and turned the whole experience upside down. She was flailing around, singing with the music yelling things like, “Ohhh shake it sistas,” and “Stir it up, stir it up.” When she missed a step (which was often) she let out a huge laugh and whooped and hollered all the way through the hour. When the instructor told us to shake our butts, she responded with a squeal, “What if you don't have one, is there an alternative move?” What was fabulous is that it made everyone loosen up. She said what everyone else was thinking. She free-styled when she couldn't catch up or catch on and it encouraged others to follow. She was just being herself. I love friends that help you loosen up. As the oldest child I am a little more type A than I would like to be, so friends like Faith are a blessing. They help you come out of the box a little. By the end of the night we were all free-styling well after class was over.

Don't Say I Never Told Ya...

2009-02-02T14:04:00.001-08:00

Don't wear a thong to Pilates. It will inevitably get lodged in all of the wrong places. Somewhere between Downward Dog and Tree Pose for me this morning, things got twisted.

Don't go to the tanning bed and then go to a party. ALL of the pictures will turn out with you looking like a little salmon. The color, not the fish.

What are your "Don't Say I Never Told Ya's?"

What is this 25 Randomness Business??

2009-01-30T08:46:00.000-08:00

1. I didn't sleep a wink last night, so I ate Oreos and watched Sex and the City til 4am.
2. Then the trash man came and the yard guy started doing his thing, so yeah I will be taking a nap.
3. I love doing Pilates and Yoga, but my biggest fear is losing the "good fat" I have, ie. front and back.
4. My cat has over 10 names, all of which you will never know.
5. Every day I pass by a tattoo parlor on my way home. Every day I think about turning in and getting one. Every day.
6. One of my favorite things this week was the one hour gmail video chat with Kel.
7. Yesterday I bought shoes and a shirt at Target for under $13.
8. I "tried" to be the girl that washes her hair every other day to give it a break...I am not that girl. Two showers a day is the only way.
9. I hate how tricky it is to blow your nose with a nose ring.
10. I confess I scan the gym for hotties on the way to a class. I also confess to shameless eye flirting.
11. I tried to be fancy and order a Gin Martini last week. It was gross. Conclusion: they only look fancy on tv.
12. I would never kiss an animal on the mouth. That disgusts me on many levels.
13. I am planning a trip out of the country this year. Chile, Greece and Italy are all on the list.
14. Sometimes I wake up with an idea for a novel and/or something to write about. I have a very long list.
15. I sing and pray a lot in the shower. I also dance.
16. I still dream in Spanish every now and then.
17. I fly a lot in my dreams.
18. I would like to master the art of small talk, because right now it is killing me.
19. Sometimes I want to be a counselor for married people even though that is none of my business.
20. I want to live in Europe for some part of my life.
21. I think I will have white babies. In college my friends used to say I would have mocha babies...
22. I am thankful that my best friends (who are married) do not try to set me up with single guys they (or their husbands know). I love them for that.
23. I never thought I would rock leggings, but they are like a second skin to me now.
24. I wish my parents never moved me to the East coast.
25. I am thankful that I have always believed in God.

The Emperor's New Clothes

2009-01-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

Remember the story of the Emperor's New Clothes? If you need a refresher, the Emperor struts his royal stuff in a parade, naked as a jay bird. He has been told that he was wearing such exquisite clothing, that only a well trained, refined eye could see it. The tailors, or scoundrels rather, had him fooled and because he was so wrapped up in couture rather than the matters important to his land, he made a complete ass of himself. Literally.

I wondered if we were not like the Emperor until the recession hit. We were striving in our jobs and personal life and maybe some of us got wrapped up in matters that weren't all that important. I know I have been humbled, in a refreshing way during this weird time in my life. Just like the child in the story shouted out with an honest cry, “The Emperor is naked!” I think I have looked at my own life and cut the crap a little. The child could care less about keeping up with the elite and his innocence kept him honest. Maybe this time is for us to quiet down a bit and reflect on what the heck we are doing with our lives and what we find most important. I don't know about you but I don't ever want to get so off track that I end up jumping at the idea of walking down the street naked. I'm just saying.

Best of 2008

2009-01-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

I did this last year and it seemed to help my girlfriends, so here is your Best of 2008 product list!

Shampoo- Organix (Pomegranate and Green Tea), Pantene, Kiehl's Amino Acid
Conditioner-Organix (Coconut Milk), Pantene
Foundation- Bare Minerals
Bronzer- Clinique (Sunkissed)
Blush- Nars (in Orgasm, makes me blush writing that!)
Mascara- Loreal Voluminous
Eyeliner- Rimmel, Chanel, Revlon 12 Hour (all have great staying power)
Lip gloss- Kiehl's #1 Lip Balm, Cover Girl Fruit Spritzers, Desert Essence (drugstores)
Lotion-Johnson's and Johnson's Baby Shea and Coco Butter, Bath and Body Works in Sensual Amber
Body oils- Kiehl's Argan oil, Neutrogena Sesame Oil.
Nail polish- Sally Hansen in "Flirt!"
Face Lotion- Kiehl's Oil Free PCA Lotion
Mousse- John Frieda
Whitening- Aquafresh (recom. by my dentist!)
Razors- Try the guy's with a 4 or 5 blade
Shaving cream- Use the oil mentioned above for silky stems
Eye cream- Kiehl's Avocado Eye Cream
Perfume- Ralph Lauen Rocks and Hot, Philosophy's Falling in Love, Marc Jacob's Daisy
Random new tool- A pick...don't laugh. You know I have super long, super straight hair and this helps to "lift" a bit.
Face wash- Kiehl's Ultra Gentle Foaming Face Wash

And now looking at the list, I feel very high maintenance. haha Enjoy ladies!

Old Stuff

2009-01-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

For my faithful followers, you will notice that I threw a bunch of old stuff in this blog. I am condensing, cleaning house, etc.

Ode to a Saint

2009-01-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

I just paid for a new book after scanning the aisles of Borders with an eccentric salesman by my side. Eager to show me his new favorites, I smiled and nodded acting interested as I was cautious to seem neutral, not flirt back, just get the book I really wanted, which was the reason I was here. As I swiped my card I felt my phone vibrate in my purse, over and over like a frustrated being, cooped up in a space that was too tight.

"Hey," I said casually. "Hey baby girl, its your pa." He asked what I was doing but I sensed there was another motive in his careful tone. I said I picked up a wrap from Banana Republic for mom's birthday and excitedly told him what a find it was at 40% off. Thats wonderful he said, as he coughed out the next few lines. "Bran, I need to tell you something. I just talked to grandmom and your sweet nanny passed about an hour ago, baby girl."

All of the sudden I was very aware of my surroundings. I felt crowded and hot and my hurried gate slowed to a stagger, the weight of my shopping bags digging in my shoulders. The next 15 minutes I sat in the car hearing the few details that he knew, and when I hung up the phone I cried with no one to hold me.

The next weekend, they arrived at 5:30 ready to drive to Alabama where I would see my great-grandmother for the last time. I was situated next to my sister who slept most of the way, careful not to spill my coffee, knowing I would not finish the cup. I never do. As I drifted in and out of sleep, waking for bathroom breaks and to switch drivers all I could think about was her stories, her laugh, laying my head on her lap as she scratched my back and all of the slumber parties we shared when I lived for 5 months in DC.

She was 95 when she passed. My uncle said she was lying on her side, just as she always slept and as she whispered for the Lord to take her, He did. In her last moments, my grandmother and the Hospice nurses sang hymns loudly, ushering her into Heaven.

I wondered on that car ride why we bury loved ones. How we can help someone to their chair, or to and from the bathroom which such care, gently help them with every day chores and tasks and then in a moment place them in the earth. I didnt like it at all. But there was no other option really. I wrestled with this thought for hours. The woman I helped dress and gave pedicures, the woman I introduced to white mochas at the age of 94 and the one who I sat up with until 2 in the morning on hundreds of occasions sipping tea and dunking gingersnaps, the one who had lived through perhaps the most change this country will ever see, would now be dressed in her Sunday best, fingernails painted a bright pink and laid to rest. Just like that.

She used to tell me how she worked 14 hour days as a telephone operator, just to go home, fix dinner and iron my grandmother's clothes. Sometimes she fell asleep sitting up. My great-grandfather adored her, and as I sat next to her I used to study her face as she told her stories. I loved how I could not tell the color of her eyes anymore, perhaps a gray or maybe dull green, yet still with such fire, or how her makeup colored the edges of her hair beige. I noticed that at 95 she still streaked her cheeks with blush and wore a lipstick to match. She once was given a duster to dust herself with glitter that smelled of flowers, a funny gift for a woman in her 90's she said, but she used it frequently. She wore beautiful jewelry, all gifts, all with a story. Her hands were covered in age spots, and she mentioned that is what she hated the most about getting older. We laughed as I shared with her stories from work, or showed her that jeans that looked old were actually in style. She always noticed my hair done a certain way, or commented on how pretty I looked and always had a kind word to encourage as I told of frustrations.

We loved talking about how we were 70 years apart but we felt like our souls were the same. I would always look at her with wonder, knowing that a young, witty, vivacious, brilliant yet simple woman from Alabama was trapped in a rapidly aging body. From her I have learned a few key things that I can grasp for now.

The first is that when I meet the man I am going to marry, we will know deep down in our souls. Not at first necessarily, but it will come. And when it does she says there is no denying how certain you feel. This is funny because as I shared about the person I was dating at this time or that time, having never met him she would say with such a sweet and simple voice, "Well, that's good honey, have fun, but that is not the one." Her words jostled my heart and settled deep always.

The second, is to drink coffee every day and indulge my sweet tooth. Nanny and I conversed over coffee and sweets hundreds of times and these were the moments I cherished the most. Also, love God first and simply love my neighbor. She did not read the Bible every day. She did not have to. The hymns of old and the Scripture itself had been engraved in her mind and heart over the years in such a way that it poured from her mouth at all the appropriate times, never sounding preachy or condescending. Just as an answer to a simple question. And another is to live life fully as a wonderful adventure. She certainly did.

As I saw her laying peacefully surrounding by the most magnificent array of pink roses I thought she looked like a queen. As hundreds piled in that tiny room, that hot day in Alabama, I was never more proud to say that I was her eldest great-granddaughter. I wore a new silk dress vibrant with color to celebrate her life and clung to a solid flower from her grave as they closed it for the final time. I am honored to have known my great-grandmother. To have known a women that lived out the life of a Proverbs woman with dignity and grace.

A song comes to mind when I think of her now, "I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me, did I chose to love? Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering. Child of mercy and grace who blessed your name, unapologetically....I want to leave a legacy." Her legacy lives in my heart and I am forever grateful for my precious Nanny.

Go Soak in the Tub

2009-01-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am at an interesting point right now. In my community where I sell townhomes, there are only two homes left and no talk of the second phase. All of the other communities are at a standstill as well. In all reality there is no future for me at Portrait. Every week they let more people go. Last week it was 20. My numbers are great, but they just don't have the inventory for us. You might think that I am in a state of panic, or living in fear that I could at any moment lose my job, that I am worrying like crazy. Well instead of doing all of that I drove home to the lake.

While at home I saw Smart People with my mom while sharing an extra large popcorn and king size junior mints (my favorite). I ate at my favorite cafes and drank lots of sweet tea. I went on long walks with my mom every day. I woke up every morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee (thanks dad) and sat looking out over the water while eating breakfast and reading magazines. When I was tired, I took a nap. I enjoyed a beer with my dad. At the end of the night I filled the huge slipper tub with bubbles to the top and read a book by candlelight.

Lately I have sounded like a broken record to my friends. "It is ok that he was not the one. It is alright that you have not found your true passion in a job. No you don't have to have children after a certain number of years of marriage." So while I was at the lake I decided I would listen to my own advice and just relax.

No doubt I am tempted to fall apart. Honestly I am the type of person that likes to really be loyal to something, to really give it a good try. And I am disappointed that this did not work out as I hoped. I am working really hard and wanted to see the fruits. I have customers but no homes to sell to them! But I have to move on. Hey I have to eat! At first I felt like I failed at something. But then I realized how dramatic I was being and how hard on myself (as usual). This is life. This is how it goes. I can either go along ruffled by job changes, life changes, relationship changes, or simply put... I can trust God.

This is something we have to really, truly wrap our minds and hearts around. We have to digest it. We have to marinate in it and let it soak so deep that our thoughts, actions and emotions would fall in line. We have to stop looking at the "seen" and consider the "unseen". As I lay in bed the other night I let this sink in. Our only purpose on this earth is to love God and glorify Him. As we become more like Him we are to radiate His love so that others would turn to Him as well. We are called to be different and love deeply and passionately. That is it. I don't have to be successful, have a certain amount in the bank or be in a certain place in life right now. So, when markets fall, jobs change, we have to move or we don't get the answer we were looking for, let's not be moved. Let's not fall apart. Let's not pout or get angry. Remember the real reason we are here and it will all be put in perspective. So don't worry...go soak in the tub.

Solo Adventure

2009-01-15T11:15:00.001-08:00

Driving down 77, she began to feel increasingly more calm the further she got from the city. Soon she was far enough down the road where the radio stations were mere fuzz, and she slid in a CD for the remainder of the ride. John Mayer. One she had not heard in a while, but knew every word. She had looked forward to this meeting for months. It had been a year since she saw the mountains in spring. Besides one meeting this evening and one in the morning, she was on her own to stumble into coffee shops and get lost down the winding roads. This would be the first solo adventure she'd had in a while.

Stopping in a convenient store, she purchased a few disposable cameras to document the days. She drove by the entrance to the condo she would be staying in, missing it twice, thinking it would be nice to have someone to help her navigate as she attempted an awkward three point turn on the narrow road. As soon as she walked in, she began snapping pictures here and there. It was nothing more special than she had seen before, in fact she stayed in the one next door a year ago. But this time it was different. She was there on business. And she had the place to herself. Hardly anyone knew she was there, and she liked it.

After the meeting ended, she slipped out of her brand new pencil skirt, heels and camisole and into her favorite jeans. Deciding it would be a bit cooler than in the city, she grabbed a sweater wrap and headed for the restaurant. Everything seemed to be in walking distance and she felt like a foreigner in a town full of acquaintances. Dinner with men you do business with is always a bit tricky, she thought, and she found herself a bit nervous as the only woman joining the table. It was a pleasant evening, everyone casually talking business and what a wonderful addition she would make to the team. They were constantly asking her advice about the city and how to penetrate the market and for the first time she realized her opinion was valued among a group of seasoned salesmen. It was an odd feeling, one she liked and yet wasn't overly excited about. She had worked hard for years and it was nice to not be considered just another young, starry eyed face, but someone with experience. She ordered eggplant, making sure it was one of the least expensive meals on the menu, even though she knew it was on the business account. She learned the man who owned the development she would eventually sell, also owned the restaurant, and she liked that he had not mentioned this fact before.

Once back in the condo she changed again but this time into a tee shirt and sweatpants. It was freezing and it took her forever to light the pilot and adjust the fireplace, once again wishing she had someone there to help her. Finding the remote sandwiched in between one of the carmel colored leather couches, she settled in, pulling her hair in a pony tail. It was nice, she thought, watching a tv above the fireplace. Her mind drifted as she imagined what it would be like to have the job. She would be selling multi-million dollar land, and later homes her clients would build on it. She imagined having a larger cushion at the end of the month after she paid her bills and then thought of the condo and the other various perks that the job would provide. She was unimpressed by the money she would make, but realized it helped. But something was missing. And it was then that she imagined what it would like to work hard day in and day out, and then come home, as she had tonight, changing into her pajamas and making some tea, to no one. The thought swallowed her.

As a single, hard working, determined woman, she was accustomed to doing things on her own. She thought nothing of carrying loads of groceries up several flights of stairs or making sure all of her bills were paid on time. Taking out the trash, fixing things around the house and remembering to get the oil changed were chores her father used to help her with, and now for the past four years she accomplished the tasks without a thought. Men were not sure what to think of her, wondering if someone this independent needed care. She seemed confident and put together they thought, knowing exactly what she wanted, and were sometimes not confident to ask her out for coffee. They were not completely right. She did need care. More care than most, her parents would say, being sensitive and compassionate almost to a fault. She could do all of these chores solo, make money, build a home of her own and fill it with memories, she thought, but she was ready for a partner, someone who would not leave at the end of the night.

Curled up on the couch, she knew he was out there. If he were here now, they would make coffee and have dessert, cuddled under a blanket. She would review, play by play the events of the meeting, stopping to ask his thoughts about how she responded to this or that question about work. In the morning they would go for a run or a short hike nearby and then find themselves at the coffee shop down the street she'd discovered earlier. Snapping out of the thought she knew she could not think about it any longer. It would come. He would find her, call her, write her and she would have someone to share this adventure with. No need to think about it now. Now, she took off her glasses and set them on the table and spread out in the king size bed. Now, she thought, it was time to go to bed.

In the morning she showered in a room decorated with rustic stone, under a rainfall shower head. After a quick walk to the coffee shop, she sipped on a latte while thumbing through the Economist. She must look smart to those looking at her, she thought, little did they know she was only looking at the pictures. For the next few hours she road around in a truck, bouncing along 1000 acres of freshly cleared mountain land. She saw golf holes and ponds carved out of the dirt with no green on them, only visions of what was to come. She was surrounded by men drilling, nailing and climbing on the 30 foot exposed beam that would soon be completed, and she thought as she drove away they looked as though they sprouted from the earth covered in granite, stone and bark, blending in with the Blue Ridge view.

Soon she was on the road again, careful to leave the condo as she found it. She was offered the job, details of compensation and percentages would follow. Instead of driving straight home, she took a detour to Blowing Rock and ended walking down to the historic district. Most of the boutiques where closed, so feeling a bit hungry, she settled on a cafe where she ordered a blt with fried green tomatoes. She sat alone and decided not to get on her cell phone, sipping sweet tea and adjusting the napkin in her lap. She would on occasion go to the movies alone on a whim, but eating alone was different, something she had not done in awhile. She got out a pen and her notebook and scribbled down things she could write about. She studied her surroundings, people and smells, all things writers tend to be aware of as if they are storing it all for later use.

Carrying her to-go bag, she wandered in and out of various stores, a fudge shop, an antique store, smiling at couples as they passed with dogs or small children. She drew a deep breath filling her lungs with the mountain air, and caught her reflection in a decorated window display, the transparent image looking back at her. She was at peace. She was wonderfully whole, and she knew he would find her this way.

Forgiveness

2009-01-15T11:14:00.001-08:00

While worshiping in church this morning I was contemplating how I want to continuously grow. I want to always be maturing in my faith and developing into a stronger woman. I asked God what was standing in the way of that today. Now, while there are many many things I could work on, the one thing that came to my mind very clearly was forgiveness. (aren't we glad God picks one at a time!)

I was listening to Charles Stanley the other day on the radio and he was speaking on forgiveness. He was explaining that the first step is to confess the unforgiveness you have to God and to repent. But what caught me was when he mentioned that when we are reminded of the hurt we felt, the wrong done to us, we must EACH time make the decision to forgive again, and again and yet again. He also mentioned that eventually our feelings will follow. One day we will think of that person or situation and we will not feel the same. Only a God who heals can do such things.

In the movie Dan in Real Life it says, "love is an ability." I also believe that beyond a feeling, love is a choice. I believe this to be true for forgiveness as well. When I was younger I thought that if I truly forgave someone I would instantly "feel" like I forgave them. If I thought of that person or situation again and still felt a little pang of hurt or maybe even anger, I thought I must not have truly forgiven. I don't believe this anymore.

So this morning, during prayer, I quietly told God that I forgave this person and I also asked for forgiveness for myself for the feelings I harbored. Now I am sure I will think of this again, and I probably won't feel all warm and fuzzy at first, but that doesn't mean I didn't forgive. The Lord cleansed me of this I am sure. But I am human and a very sensitive human at that, so I know feelings don't just disappear. But I will consciously make a decision every time I feel this way to understand that one day my feelings will match my heart.

When I quietly prayed this prayer something strange happened. A women sitting very close to me began to cry loudly. In fact, it quickly evolved into a wail. I could identify with her because this is how I felt inside when I forgave. It was a tremendous release in my soul. Her loud cries echoed in my heart and I was so thankful for a God who draws us near, purifies us bit by bit, all the while holding us closely to his heart.

Officially A Couple

2009-01-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

He has wined and dined me for nearly a year and a half. He has let me come and go, a constant and steady force in everyday life. So today when I changed my number to area code 704, it was then I announced I am officially dating Charlotte. That's right, don't listen to what you have heard about me running around town with anyone else, the Queen City and I are a pair.

I needed to commit. Charlotte knows I am like the main character in Chocolat, when the wind blows I feel a need to move with it. Besides that, Charlotte residents were a little frustrated with my previous 703 number. My Harris Teeter card has never worked and I attribute this to the fact they entered it in wrong. I also don't want to lose business and I have heard that the 704 lady that had my similar number, is a bit peeved.

So, I have decided to stay...for now. So Hotlanta, Chi-town and Boston, call me.

Manna

2009-01-15T11:07:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I have been very specific in my prayers to the Lord. They would go something like this, "God, I am good at my job and I like it, but it doesn't thrill me. It is not my passion. Please lead me." Period. No pouting or sulking. Simply here is my thought, You are my God, guide me. And let it go. The difference lately is not that my words are so few, it is that I am really wrapping my mind around the fact that God is IN CONTROL and therefore I just haven't stressed. There is a big difference between believing God is in control and acting like it. I want to learn this early so I don't waste years living outside of this truth. Anyway to the good part.

So I have been thinking about my writing a lot. Wednesday I told my parents while driving home from the beach that's what I really want to do for a living. It is what makes me come alive. I write for bridal mags and I recently picked up one that will be featured in places like Barnes and Noble and Borders. (so excited!) So last week I stopped looking at the careers posted on CondeNast (publisher of all major woman's mags) and I actually applied to about twenty. They are all in New York. I created a profile, attached my samples and prayed, "Lord do what you want to with this." Then I went back to selling homes. That was Thursday. Friday, I saw Sex and the City with a friend and came home in a strange mood because I was overwhelmed with the thought of writing full-time (like the main character in the film.) When someone asks me what "that thing" is that makes me "click" I say my writing. I dream of writing for Allure, Glamour, Marie Claire. I dream of slaving away at the computer for who knows how many hours writing about real world issues or something as silly as the latest shoe trend. I am the dork that reads every caption on every page of InStyle, Women's Health, etc.

Monday night my friend Simeon asked me to hang out with a couple of guys he knows from home. We all went to eat and I learned these guys were in ministry in some capacity. It was the first time I had met them. As I was enjoying my Jamaican jerk chicken nachos, something happened that has not happened in years. God used a man at the table to speak to me so clearly I almost couldn't even believe it was happening. He asked me casually, "Brandee do you like to write?" I said yeah casually. (mind you these people know NOTHING about me. Simeon never spoke a word about me. He knew my name was Brandee and we had known each other for about 15 minutes.) Anyway, he said, "Brandee when you walked in I felt like I had all of this stuff to tell you. I hope you don't mind." I said sure. He asked if I would ever consider writing for women's magazines. I nodded. Everything around me fell away and I was fixed on his words. I felt extremely calm and discerned just to listen, that what was being said was not from this guy who sat before me sipping a beer and munching on fries. He then asked if I would ever consider moving to New York. I responded yes. He said, "Have you ever heard of the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Or that girl from the Family Stone Sarah what's her name? Sarah Jessica Parker I said. Well, when you walked in the door I thought of you in those positions. Your job now is what you do because it supports you, but writing is what you do because you love it. And I want to let you know that because you don't write for money, God is going to take this gift and use it. I see you writing for women's magazines and writing compelling stories that will be a little different. And you will think that they are insignificant, but it will be a sort of ministry to women. Well Hello God. I was blown over by the power of God. He knew I needed hope, something to hold onto and He gave me this morsel, this manna. Two days later I was chatting with a coworker and she said, "Hey what is the thing that you would do if you didn't have to worry about money." Easy...write. She said "Do you know the publisher CondeNast?" I braced myself. "Well, my good friend from high school, works for them and writes for Vogue, here let me give you her contact info, you never know." So of course I raced home and emailed her.

All of this to say, wow what a week. I have been overwhelmed at my new job, I sold a house in a neighborhood I barely know and I heard a good, solid word from the Lord. huh. I have no idea what is next. And ironically I am not anxious. It could happen tomorrow or 10 years from now. But I know what I heard and I will hide it deep in my heart.

I guess I want to encourage you today. I haven't been walking around thinking about writing full-time. I have not been seeking it out hard core. I have however not forgotten my dream. When I get a new interview I will stay up till 1AM writing. I am always calling new magazines and sending in my samples. I never get tired of it. I have steadily and quietly worked on it. And just last week God surprised me and brought my desires in the forefront of my mind the same week He spoke to me about it. What is it that makes you feel this way? What would you do if money was not an issue? If it is not your current job, do not be discouraged. God will lead you there and the skills you are developing now, whether in skill or character are important. They are necessary. Real estate pays the bills and puts food on the table but writing makes me excited. Tell the Lord today what it is that you desire. And then get up and go to work. I trust somehow, sometime, He will answer you. Let my week be a testimony to His promise.

Missing

2009-01-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

Missing: Tall, dark-haired male between the age of 26-33 with athletic build and witty sense of humor. Christian, with years of experience living out a Godly life with passion, purpose and vision. A leader with integrity who values family above fame. An entrepreneur of sorts, doesn't complain, not easily discouraged, works hard yet knows how to relax. A delight to his mate because he is just as easily satisfied with a quick dinner as he is a well prepared meal, in other words not particular in matters of food. A sharp dresser who never wears black socks. One who doesn't need another mother. He already has one. Not partial to spending Sundays in front of a game. Spontaneous, sexy, loving, attentive, affectionate, sharp, artistic, well traveled, with loads of patience for his talkative mate. A decision maker who is confident but not vain. He is just as comfortable sleeping on the floor as he is in a five star hotel. Comfortable with other cultures. Hikes. Grills. Doesn't beat himself up or take himself too seriously. Loves his grandma. Is gentle with his words. Can get along with anyone. Wouldn't mind shopping. Works out, showers regularly, doesn't collect unnecessary piles. Could sleep in for hours on a rainy day without feeling guilty. Content to go out, just as well to stay in. Not irritable or moody. A man's man... whatever that means. Smells fabulous. Cuts his nails. Is just plain fun. Manages money well, likes to give it away, save it and have a little fun...guilt free. Doesn't judge and always has a plan.
When found please return to:
Brandee Dishner Central Ave. Charlotte.

Just Another Reason I Love Ceebs

2009-01-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

Britt: Hey, sorry I was calling so much in a row but I really need to know something. Do vegetarians eat chicken?
Bran: No. They don't eat meat.
Britt: Yeah I know they don't eat meat but isn't chicken beef?
Bran: What? (laughing) wait say that again.
Britt: I mean isn't chicken not really a meat. Like pork is definitely meat and so it cow. But chicken isn't really.
Bran: Chicken is poultry.
Britt: That's what I was thinking! See I knew I wasn't that off.
Bran: Vegetarians don't eat meat, vegans don't eat anything that comes from an animal, eggs, butter, milk.
Britt: Then they must be really skinny. And hungry.

Filter

2009-01-08T15:40:00.001-08:00

I wish I didn't have a grown up filter. I spend last weekend celebrating a baby shower with my best friend and her family which included two very energetic children, 6 and 4. In the morning, I would ease out of bed and shuffle to the coffee pot to find that the kids were well into their day, sprinkling the living room floor with barbies and dinosaurs. As I managed a few cheerful words, they were full of energy bursting with random squeals of delight. “Play with me,” they asked, and next thing I knew I was catching butterflies with a net, dressing dolls and fighting with dinos. Considering the last time I spent time around young children was when my sister (who is now 20) was a baby, I felt a little rusty. Was I cool Aunt B? Was I lame when it came to dreaming up conversation between barbie and her horses?

One thing I couldn't help but notice and secretly envied was the fact that children really don't have filters. If they think something, they say it. If they want something, they ask. They don't hold back. I wondered at what age does this change? When do children catch on to the “socially accpetable” ways to communicate? When do we stop saying what we think and keep quiet merely to be “polite?” Who says what is polite?

To celebrate the oldest turning 6, we all were given instruments to join in the annual “Birthday parade.” Next thing I knew I was shaking bells in line behind other adults my age and older who were blowing horns, kazoos and other noise makers. It was freeing. We looked like crazy people and we were having a blast. With the birthday girl leading the way we pranced around the house clapping and singing.

My small conclusion was that I spend far too much time trying to “act cool” and far too much time not saying what I really think and feel. Thanks to a weekend of barbies and dinos, I am reminded to relax and have a little fun.

Commitment

2009-01-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of time to think at yoga this morning. As I was twisting and turning my body making sure to concentrate on my breathing, my mind wandered everywhere. There was one pose where we laid on our backs with our feet over our heads, so basically our shoulders were the only thing touching the ground. We hung out there for quite some time. And that's when it hit me. First, how ridiculous I must have looked and then, Commitment. I wondered what would happen to my body it I became committed to yoga every day. How would my body change? Staring at the wall I applied this thought of commitment to every area of my life. Church, friends, Charlotte, job.

I was asked to join a team at church to serve on Sunday mornings, set up, take down, etc. I said yes and now I have been stressed about it. I'll just do a couple of times, you know, not get too involved. But twisted in that crazy pose, I thought, what if I really committed to helping on the days they asked me? What am I afraid of?

I think about leaving Charlotte all of the time. I visited Athens this weekend and spent the day after I got back searching the web for jobs there. What if I committed to Charlotte and called it home? Let's say I get more involved in my community, volunteer, make it point to search out new places...would I get as easily restless and bored?

I picked up a few copies of some magazines I was published in this month and noticed they had been edited heavily. Feeling disappointed and a little confused I thought maybe I should start doing something else, looking for another type of job. But then I remembered all that God has done to get me where I am now, and decided to commit, for better or worse.

Commitment. Why are we so afraid? We hate wandering and change and yet when God puts us in a place, we always try to wiggle out of it. We always try to pick out what is hard or bad about it and reason why somewhere or someone else would be better. Is it because we don't want to be stuck? We want to be mobile with one foot out the door just in case we change our mind or things get hard? In terms of commitment, when do we stop casually dating our surroundings and actually become exclusive?

Don't Let the Door Hit Ya...

2009-01-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Good riddance. These are just a few saying I think of when looking back on 2008. I can confidently say, when ringing in the new year I was never more happy to see the old one go.

First I broke a man's heart. A man I cared deeply for. Then my nanny past away in March, I lost my job in May and lost the new job in October. By the time November rolled around I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.

I often think if I was watching my life as a movie I would be yelling at the main character to "look out!" "stop that!" or "quit worrying!" I would be rooting for myself to make it. Looking back on the year I tried to make it on my own, with my own strength. Enter Jesus.

I have no idea what this year holds, but I am hopeful and excited. I am writing more on a full time basis, I am meeting new people, get better acquainted with the ones I know and enjoying my little city more every day. The reason I know this year will be better is because I am fully confident in God and I am choosing to depend on Him for whatever this year holds. Another reason I know it will be a good one is because Starbucks finally decided to offer tea lattes, I finally found a pair of gray Chucks in my size and standing in Barnes and Nobles I see 2 mags on the shelf with my name in them. So cheers to '09.

Christmas Letter (in case one didn't reach you)

2008-12-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

As 2008 comes to a close the Dishner family is thinking, “Can it please hurry up?” With the passing of a beloved matriarch in the family, job changes and an economy that affects us all, we decided to do what we do best, see each other as much as possible to encourage and love on one another.

There were many wonderful things that happened this year as well including mom and dad celebrating their 28th wedding anniversary. Both Britt and I agree they are not aging a bit and are having more and more fun with each passing year. Diligently praying to make the right move, Mom accepted the General Manager position at Pinehurst's historic Country Club of North Carolina. We are so proud of her and she is loving the new challenge. We think her skills as a fabulous mom are multiplied as she is in charge of over 150 employees and really takes on the responsibility of caring for the Club and members with enthusiasm and grace, all the while creating a fun work environment for the employees. Did I mention she beat out over 35 men for the job? I can brag on her because I was in charge of writing the Christmas letter this year! To top it off people still regularly mistake her for my older sister. Yeah mom!

Dad celebrated his 50th birthday this year and absolutely no one believed him. Out for dinner for the special occasion everyone guessed early 40's but soon met me, now 26, and realized their math was a little off. This is a true testimony to dad aging like a fine wine, a little better with age. He has been busy with projects in the Sandhills area as well as new developments in Banner Elk and the NC coast. We have all had a great time meeting in the mountains to see the progress and enjoy a little time away in Boone. Dad continues to be an amazing host always welcoming the droves of people Britt and I frequently bring home. Whether it's firing up the grill, being the captain of a boat ride or keeping the logs on the fire, Dad always makes coming home special with whoever we have in tow. Thanks dad!

My baby sister is no longer a baby, and I have to constantly remind myself of that fact! A junior at UNCW she is majoring in Operations Management. She is enjoying all the fun that comes with her sorority, Chi Omega and I am constantly getting fabulous pictures from her formals. She lived in Wilmington for the summer, getting more and more tan by the day and enjoyed working at Bluewater, where she once seated a “really good looking guy” who soon became her boyfriend, Luis. They are having a blast meeting in Seven Lakes for the weekends for family time, Panthers games in Charlotte and exploring Wilmington.

As for me, I am enjoying my new loft in Charlotte, a few minutes from downtown. My part-time hobby of freelance writing has become my full time job and I am loving every minute. I currently write articles for wedding magazines, business journals and newspapers, and have received word that over 18 publications are interested in featuring my work. Working from home and various coffee shops is growing on me and I always get a little flip in my stomach when I see one of my articles in Barnes and Noble next to magazines I have read for years. I am thankful to God for this unique opportunity and am leaning into Him each and every day to guide me in this venture. I also found a great church and have made it my second job to find all of the fabulous restaurants in Charlotte. Come visit me in the Queen City, I've got a couch with your name on it!

My hope and prayer for you this season is echoed by my family. With all of the beautiful things that have happened this year, I am sure you, like us, have experienced challenges and hard times as well. We pray your holiday season is a time of rest and renewal and especially a time to surround yourself with all of your favorite people. With the beginning of a fresh new year around the corner, let us remember that God's mercies are new every morning and He is faithful to bring you through. We love you and look forward to the next time we see you. If you are traveling through NC, just know you have a home in Seven Lakes, Wilmington and Charlotte!

Plastics

2008-12-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

After dinner and a little shopping, I went out with F, T and C to a little pub off Selwyn. Let me set the scene. F was wearing jeans and a casual shirt, not a stitch of makeup. T and C in casual guy clothes, although C had on cuff links I later noticed and really was the most dressed up of all of us. I was in jeans and casual boots with a pony tail.

When we walked in to the pub...all eyes on us. F says, "Didn't know we were going to a semi-formal." I followed with, "We are the only ones that are pale with brown hair." We smiled lightly as we found our way to the couches by the fire. Every girl did the stink eye-glare-up-and-down. F leaned over and said "Geeze they look pissed or hungry."

It was so strange. There on a Thursday night, sitting around the outdoor fireplace sipping beers we couldn't help but notice that everyone looked like they were not comfortable with themselves. We watched as South Carolina hair styled-banker types stared down spray tanned-bleach blonde gals all holding light beers. The girls grouped in one area and the guys, slightly drooling grouped in another. It was middle school all over again except without the beers out in the open. Did I mention everyone had on pearls? It was an interesting group for a pub to say the least. I enjoyed people-watching as guys explained their position at work and gals batted their double coated lashes hoping this was the one to bring home to mom.

You might think I am being harsh, but I was not the only one who noticed how uncomfortable everyone was. No one could just chill. They were too busy trying to appear as if they had it all together. Just another interesting night of people watching.

My Apologies

2008-12-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

My apologies for not mentioning the motivating reason behind the nose ring...The Sushi Sisterhood. Wondering what the heck that is? Well here's the story.

When I was living in LA, two of my favorite people Hikari and Nora joined me on an afternoon trip to Santa Monica. We sat on the beach solving all of the world's problems one by one. It started to get a little chilly so we took the blanket we were lounging on and laying on our stomachs and side by side rolled ourselves up in it. Someone, I don't remember who, mentioned that we reminded them of a sushi roll. Hikari was the rice (she hails from Japan), Nora was the avocado (she's Mexican) and I was in fact the imitation crab meat (after all white Americans don't exactly have a lot of foods that set them apart) :(

Hence the California Roll Sushi Sisterhood. And hence the reason I was motivated to seal the deal with the ring, well stud. Love you both!

Opps...

2008-12-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

I made an appointment to get my eyebrows done from Erin at Aveda, the same gal that does ALL my waxing (no details needed there). Well I swoop in, talking a mile a minute of course and answer all of her questions about work, life, love, etc all in one breath. As I am doing so, I proceed to take off my boots, socks and as I am reaching for my button and zipper, mid-sentence about a new project I am working on, she stops me. "Sweetheart aren't we just doing brows today?" I stop just short of my jeans dropping to my ankles. "Oh, haha, right."

My Bedazzled Nose...

2008-12-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

Top 5 Reasons Why I got a nose ring:
1) It is a reminder of God's promise to me for my career.
2) I have always worried too much about what people think, and now am moving into a place where I am much more comfortable with being myself.
3) It is a daily reminder that I am pursuing my artistic career as a writer...boo corporate.
4) I don't like to live my life wondering "what if."
5) I think they are cute!

Top 5 Responses when I told people...these are for real:
1) "Oh awesome Baby Girl, those are so cute. I bet it gives ya a little edge."-Dad
2) "You DID NOT! Oh! I have always wanted one of those but I can't because of work! I'm so jealous!" -Mom
3) "Shut up. I bet you rock it."-Shana Crawford
4) "That is the new hottness." Eric DeLeon
5) "Braaaaaann. I thought you would just talk about it forever, not actually do it!"-Britt

Top 5 New Habits/Changes:
1) I can't sleep on the right side.
2) I can't pick my nose (with a tissue of course)
3) I nearly had a panic attack before the first time I sneezed with it...turned out to be no big deal.
4) I soak my nose with sea salt on the regular.
5) My face feels dressed up even without makeup!

I think it's funny because I thought about it for 2 months, researched the best place to go and found out it was a block from my house. So yesterday I just waltzed down there, by myself, and asked 5 million questions and then said ok, let's do it. Wasn't as bad as I thought...the needles on You Tube videos looked a lot worse. Wow I'm so type A.

Honesty

2008-12-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

I was sitting here tonight reflecting on the year and all that God has shown me, taught me and brought me through. One thing that stands out is being honest about how I feel. I am the oldest child and a natural born people-pleaser. I can still remember getting a pair of red flippers to use in our pool in Arizona. When I unwrapped them I didn't really know what they were and really didn't like them. I was devastated at the thought that my parents would think that I was ungrateful. I imagined them picking them out and carefully wrapping them. I was four. I also used to kiss all of my stuffed animals and baby dolls before I left to go somewhere with my mom. I had to make sure they all felt love and I rotated placing them on the bed to make them feel each one was special. I started at a young age making sure everyone else was ok.
I have realized that over the years, I have not been truly honest about what I like, don't like or feel about a particular situation. A lot of times I stuff what I think or feel to the very bottom just so someone else is encouraged, comforted, reassured. This year, I have recognized this and feel so much freedom in allowing myself, to well, be myself. I think this goes hand in hand with my honesty with God. Being honest with God is kind of funny, because He already sees past my front and to the heart of the matter. It is so much easier to come to God honestly than with fluffy words about how I feel. In fact coming to God with fluff is exhausting over time. Since losing my job and being carried by the Lord in this adventure of writing full time I have had many ups and downs. Working from home is great, but it's a challenge. Some days I feel encouraged and enthusiastic and other days I could drink coffee all day in bed. I think this comes with the uncertainty of what lies ahead. That's the honest truth. But I am working on the path the Lord has carved out for me and nothing, nothing is more real to me.
Before, if I used to be a little down about something I acted like I was ok. I prayed like I was ok and I talked to others like I was ok. Sometimes if feels good to just say, "this sucks" or "I'm upset about this or that," and that is what I am learning. There is freedom is saying, "I am disappointed" or "my heart is broken over this." That is when we can allow God to step in and comfort us, teach us, be God to us. Honesty and brokenness has been a beautiful new beginning of my life this year.

Marriage

2008-11-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

My mom and dad don't have any hobbies. This first time I thought about this was when my sister and I were trying to think of what to get them for Christmas. We thought, well what are their hobbies? What do they like to do in their spare time? And the thought came to us, well spend time with each other. After work, they go to the movies, dine out, watch tv all cuddled up on the couch or go out of town for the weekend. And as I thought about the fact that they are each others hobby, it made me wonder if this why they are still so in love after 28 years of marriage.

It's not that I think in order to have a successful marriage you can't have anything "for yourself". In fact I think it is vital to have things that you enjoy by yourself. But as I look around I don't see a plethora of happy couples, especially after 28 years and so I wonder if this is a part of their secret. Just the other day I called my mom and she told me that she and my dad had 20 minutes and realized they were in the same area of town so they met up at Fresh Market. As simple as it is, they walked around holding hands and sipping coffee and pretended like it was a little date. Hmm. After 28 years.

Last Saturday was their anniversary and out of all of the things to do, they came to visit me and take me out to lunch. I can't believe it. They said they didn't feel a pressure to do anything extravagant because they "date" each other all the time. My mom is constantly doing little things to help my dad and my dad regularly fills the flower vase in the kitchen. Each morning he brings her a cup of coffee and my mom will notice he needs something and gets it before he even knows it himself. On top of that, they are actually looking more and more youthful as the years pass. I believe being in love is their secret. They are truly best friends. They enjoy each others company. It's so very precious and rare.

I know a lot of couples who argue a lot and complain about each other. I always think of my parents. Sure they get frustrated at times, they are not perfect. But really factors outside of their relationship are the cause of tension, never each other. There is something to this. And because I believe in what they have to be from God, so fresh after so many years, I am thankful for the example.